Thoughts on leaving

I honestly have no idea how to start a post like this. It has been written over the past several nights after having drinks and hanging out with friends followed by sleepless nights of anxiety. So I apologize in advance for any spelling errors and this was written semi-stream of consciousness.

When I first signed the contract I thought I'd move to Russia for several reason, and it's only as I've gotten closer to the departure date that I realize I was mistaken. I realize that I'm traveling across the world for a completely different reason.

I wasn't until I spent a summer relaxing and reflecting that I realized that Arkansas has never felt like home. This has always been true, but only realized after watching my friends leave Fayetteville. As people I care deeply about have left for greener pastures in California, New York, Texas, Thailand and other places, I've grown to feel like a foreigner in the small town in Northwest Arkansas where I have lived for 5 years, and Little Rock where I spend 18. I've felt old for the first time in my life walking into bars, gyms, and parties on that once held familiar faces full of stories, friendships, memories, and on one or two occasions something even more wonderful; now are crowded by strangers making memories that will soon turn into stories to be recollected several years down the line. But my time in this place has passed.

Several friends have chosen this area as their home, and some people who are even luckier have found someone that they have decided to spend the rest of their life with here in this place. However as jealous of these people as I am, I've known for years that this was never the path I would follow. Maybe it's the result of how my siblings and I were raised, but all of us I strongly suspect will never live in Arkansas again. This is not to say my parents did a shitty job raising us, quite the opposite. They have raised 2 graduate school students, a high schooler who will have his choice in colleges and scholarships, and a 8th grader who has already scored a 24 on the ACT. By every account we have been incredibly successful, and while I can't objectively critique our personalities; I'd trust any sibling to the fullest extent, and I believe that most would agree with my statement. We we're raised to push the boundaries and hold ourselves to the highest standard possible. We were brought up to pursue dreams no matter what the cost and that settling to mediocrity in our pursuits was unacceptable. Moving to Russia will force me to grow and to become a better person and teacher.

This is not to say I'm eager to leave; I am anxious, but not eager. Actually anxious isn't the word that best describes it…terrified is what I’m looking for. I'm leaving people whom I care deeply about, some of which I will never see again. I made this decision knowing full well that my grandparents are getting in their late 80s. One of my best friends since 7th grade is reaching her late age and if the gray furs around her muzzle indicate, may not last another much longer. And of course who knows who knows what will happen in an entire year before I am able to visit. I'm sacrificing all of this for the opportunity to explore the unknown and to grow as a person.

 When I tell my people my plans, and everyone generally has the same reaction "that's great", or "do it while you are young" and a few have even said "I want your life". The thing is I don't know if moving to a city across the world without knowing a single person and having a below basic knowledge of the language is what I should be doing. However, I do know this... I will never be happy settling down where I grew up. Why? Because the closest I've ever felt to home was sitting down with complete strangers in Sweden drinking coffee and sharing stories, becoming close friends after 6 weeks of knowing each other. It was listening to American Jazz at a bar in Denmark and chatting with locals. It was sharing wine with a complete stranger on a train in the Sweden countryside despite only being able to understand a few words of what we were saying. Right now, home is the uncomfortable unknown. That is why I do not see myself returning to live in the United States anytime soon. I have seen what my home country has to offer, and I love it. I love it, but I crave the unknown.