I honestly have no idea how to start a post like this. It has
been written over the past several nights after having drinks and hanging out
with friends followed by sleepless nights of anxiety. So I apologize in advance
for any spelling errors and this was written semi-stream of consciousness.
When I first signed the contract I thought I'd move to Russia for
several reason, and it's only as I've gotten closer to the departure date that
I realize I was mistaken. I realize that I'm traveling across the world for a completely different reason.
I wasn't until I spent a summer relaxing and reflecting that I
realized that Arkansas has never felt like home. This has always been true, but
only realized after watching my friends leave Fayetteville. As people I care
deeply about have left for greener pastures in California, New York, Texas,
Thailand and other places, I've grown to feel like a foreigner in the small
town in Northwest Arkansas where I have lived for 5 years, and Little Rock
where I spend 18. I've felt old for the first time in my life walking into
bars, gyms, and parties on that once held familiar faces full of stories,
friendships, memories, and on one or two occasions something even more
wonderful; now are crowded by strangers making memories that will soon turn
into stories to be recollected several years down the line. But my time in this
place has passed.
Several friends have chosen this area as their home, and some
people who are even luckier have found someone that they have decided to spend the
rest of their life with here in this place. However as jealous of these people
as I am, I've known for years that this was never the path I would follow.
Maybe it's the result of how my siblings and I were raised, but all of us I
strongly suspect will never live in Arkansas again. This is not to say my
parents did a shitty job raising us, quite the opposite. They have raised 2 graduate
school students, a high schooler who will have his choice in colleges and
scholarships, and a 8th grader who has already scored a 24 on the ACT. By every
account we have been incredibly successful, and while I can't objectively
critique our personalities; I'd trust any sibling to the fullest extent, and I
believe that most would agree with my statement. We we're raised to push the
boundaries and hold ourselves to the highest standard possible. We were brought
up to pursue dreams no matter what the cost and that settling to mediocrity in
our pursuits was unacceptable. Moving to Russia will force me to grow and to
become a better person and teacher.
This is not to say I'm eager to leave; I am anxious, but not
eager. Actually anxious isn't the word that best describes it…terrified
is what I’m looking for. I'm leaving people whom I care deeply about,
some of which I will never see again. I made this decision knowing full well
that my grandparents are getting in their late 80s. One of my best friends
since 7th grade is reaching her late age and if the gray furs around her muzzle
indicate, may not last another much longer. And of course who knows who knows
what will happen in an entire year before I am able to visit. I'm sacrificing
all of this for the opportunity to explore the unknown and to grow as a person.
When I tell my
people my plans, and everyone generally has the same reaction "that's
great", or "do it while you are young" and a few have even said
"I want your life". The thing is I don't know if moving to a city
across the world without knowing a single person and having a below basic knowledge
of the language is what I should be doing. However, I do know this... I will
never be happy settling down where I grew up. Why? Because the closest I've
ever felt to home was sitting down with complete strangers in Sweden drinking
coffee and sharing stories, becoming close friends after 6 weeks of knowing
each other. It was listening to American Jazz at a bar in Denmark and chatting
with locals. It was sharing wine with a complete stranger on a train in the
Sweden countryside despite only being able to understand a few words of what we
were saying. Right now, home is the uncomfortable unknown. That is why I do not
see myself returning to live in the United States anytime soon. I have seen
what my home country has to offer, and I love it. I love it, but I crave the
unknown.
